s1ep6 recap – Hail Hail the Gang’s All Here

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George Parros' mustache is awesome, mmm pancakes

Look at all the HW together at last! Let’s find out how all this happened…

Olà HW’ers! If there ever was/will be a very special episode of HW, this was it. I think it may have been designed to be the climax of the season, with all the HW finally together in one place. Yes all of them, even those who are almost never on!

So we have a surprise for you this week. A brand new format, dictated by the episode. As the whole gang ended up in L.A. together for most of the ep, it made no sense to divide the HW up like normal. So a brief intro for some of the wives as they plan their journey, and then it’s The City of Angels for everyone together. And we’ll go TMS-style bullet points for shits and giggles. Let’s dive in.

Settings: Scottsdale, Vegas, Toronto, and a crapload of L.A.

Brijet (wife of Ray Whitney, 23-year NHL vet and free agent)
She’s busy with her website this week, launching a social network aspect of it. We haven’t heard about the site since episode 1 I don’t think. It’s all part of her “what will I do now” vibe permeating the opening of the show, which includes some great banter with her kids on a fun-looking hike. Anyway, there’s a going to be a launch party in LA for the updated site, and she’s invited everyone. W00t!

Tiffany (wife of George Parros, free agent enforcer)
Tiffany has a fashion diva of a daughter, and she’s adorable. Even more adorable is George brushing the kids’ teeth and making school lunches, in classic brown paper bags no less. She’s off to L.A. to take pics for her clothing line with Martine and MP, and to go to the launch party.

Martine (fiancée of Leafs goalie Jonathan Bernier)
Her, Jonathan and the new baby Tyler are having a photo shoot for “Today’s Parent” magazine. Because every parent today is either a star hockey goalie or lingerie model. Jonathan’s hair is, uh, yeesh. Tyler doesn’t like photo shoots. I don’t blame him, but as Martine quickly points out, he’s earned his first paycheck!

And we’re in Los Angeles!

• Bonus hockey wife! Anne Adams, wife of Penguin Craig Adams is friends with Brijet and there to support her for the big event. Brijet wants everyone to know it’s not just about her, the site is for all of them.
• Tiffany lands in LA, only to find out George announced his retirement while she was on the plane. All-time great mustaches of the NHL: 1. Lanny McDonald. 2. George Parros. 3. Everyone else.
• MP and Tiffany go shopping together. MP says George was a good influence on Brandon. That’s nice to hear.
• Nicole is building a new house. But what if Dustin is traded? Not to worry, he’s got 8 years on his contract. Dustin only cares about the house electronics, while Nicole wants 3 washer / dryers. She doesn’t think that’s extravagant. Sure.
• Noureen is wrapping up Anger Management with Charlie Sheen. Lots of backstage stuff, still no Charlie Sheen cameo. That was our last chance! Derek Richardson is a poor substitute. #notwinning
• Emilie seems thrilled to be out of Iowa. She’s taking pictures of surfing dogs (no, seriously), and has been asked to take pics at the party. She prefers taking dog pics.
• MP and Tiffany talk about MP’s relationship with Brandon. MP is still having jealously issues. MP is also jealous of Tiffany’s ring, but her wanting to marry Brandon situation is still hella complicated and impossible to recap here.
• Kodette talks to Jason and her kids over Facetime. Jason is injured, sort of a mixed blessing because he can be home with the kids while Kodette is gone.
• Kodette goes for pancakes (mmm, pancakes) with Nicole and Jenny Scrivens. Jenny is still in fact on this show! They talk about women flirting with their husbands.
• It’s time for Tiffany’s photo shoot for her website. MP looks amazing in her pics! But then she is worried posing next to Amazon model Martine. But if you ask me, the pics with the two of them are fabu.
• Noureen and her friends are packing before she moves to Vancouver. She calls her friends “total bitches” (sort of in jest) but they are the smart practical types. She Facetimes Ryan and shows him her Playboy spread. That’s, uh, sweet?
• Hey look, alcohol! It’s drinks the day before the launch party thanks to Tiffany so that MP can meet some of the other HW. Including a rarely-seen Wendy Tippett! Everyone’s coming out of the woodwork for this very special episode. They talk about George’s retirement. They talk about the party the next day. Everyone loves Brijet. Duh! MP talks about how some of the Rangers wives were bitchy because she was just a gf not a fiancée or wife. Suck it, Rangers! MP is still re-living that, as she is nervous for the party and thinks her gf-only status will still lead to her shunning. This is the inside-HW stuff I dreamed about when this show was announced.
• As the hip soulful music plays, the HW put on make-up and do their hair and choose shoes in prep for the party, to remind you this show is on the W Network. In their defense, Brijet’s shoes are fabulous. Noureen and MP meet as they prep, and MP is blown away by the fact that pregnant Noureen is wearing see-through lace pants.
• And it’s party time! Very L.A. scene on a hotel roof patio. Glitz ‘n glamour. Lots of champagne. Also plenty of bonus HWs. Also those outdoor heat lamp thingies. How cold is it in L.A.?
• Tiffany seems a bit in her own world given George’s retirement announcement. I don’t blame her. And everyone is talking to her about it, which isn’t helping.
• Martine is showing her engagement ring. Holy fuck look at that thing. Blame Maple Leafs management. Martine talks about the pressure to be married. MP is not gonna like this. MP feels the pressure, and is filled with anxiety. MP just wants to sit in the corner and get drunk and chain smoke. I’ll join you MP! No commitment needed.
• Nicole is talking about how Dustin will never have to work again if he doesn’t want. This gets some sly dirty looks from Tiffany. Tiffany recognizes how other HW are lucky in their little bubble, even as they themselves don’t. Item #390403 on the list of why Tiffany is the sharpest wife on this show.
• Kodette makes a nice little speech to introduce Brijet. Brijet is nervous to speak which is unlike her. But she ends up giving a wonderful speech about the website and the closeness of the HW. Aaaand, scene.

Cry-o-meter

2 onions out of 10

• There were literally no tears until the very end, when Brijet saves the cry-o-meter as she chokes up with tears of joy talking about her close HW friends and the fact they came to the launch, and hoping the closeness will be the same if Ray retires.

What is blurred out this week?
In my continuing lawyerly fascination obsession with the legal reasons for blurred stuff on this show, we’re chronicling all the blurriness. And guessing what’s hidden!

• Jonathan Bernier’s T-shirts are all kinds of blurred, no idea what it is. Then the picture of his T-Shirt is blurred on the Today’s Parent magazine cover. That’s a temporal vortex of blurry.

Wait, what?
The best quotes of the week.

“I’m more like a gremlin-type of model” – MP

“When he wants to get laid, he puts on the Gucci shoes I bought him. It’s true! It’s like the only time he doesn’t wear flip-flops.” Tiffany, re George

“Despite the fact that our husbands have punched each other in the head several times, we’ve both managed to be very cordial.” Noureen, re Martine

Episode Rating

7 puck bunnies out of 10

This was a bit of a disappointment TBH. All of them getting together in one place should have been the pinnacle of the show, and I have been waiting for it. But the problem was having all the gang together provided very little drama. It was still awesome to see, so that’s why it’s a 7. And pancakes and chocolate milk will always get you a rating or two. Maybe it’s years of watching reality TV, but an episode like this was set up for all sorts of drama, like a big fight or blow up or someone throwing someone else in the rooftop pool or something. Instead it was all warm ‘n fuzzy in the end. Not that I hate warm ‘m fuzzy, I really am a nice guy, but there just should have been more to make an epic TV show episode.