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1429624297_noureen-dewulf-ryan-miller-560Whoops. I guess that pic is a SPOILER ALERT! That’s not even the good news I am talking about. Although a healthy baby is always good news.

The good news I am talking about is that Hockey Wives has been renewed for another season! W00t! Thank goodness because I still have so much snark to give. In all honesty, I was kind of expecting this. Put together hockey with anything in Canada you’re going to have a TV hit. My only worry was that it was buried on the W Network. People found it eventually I guess, but put this show on TSN and its audience quadruples. Someone hire me as a TV executive.

Anyway, here we are at the end of season 1. Let’s just dive right in with the new location by location format, which worked out well this week as a big gang ended up in Toronto. They should have ended up in Montreal; way more fun.

Vegas (Tiffany)
Tiffany is at her friend Barbie Blank’s house. Barbie (if that indeed is her real name) is an ex-WWE Diva and is engaged to one-time Hab Sheldon Souray and his bionic wrists. Barbie has closet issues (the literal not figurative closet) that Tiffany will solve. And solve she does. She organizes it in about 2 minutes (TV time). Tiffany does not have more time for closet-organizing, however, as she has some very good reasons to be off to Toronto, as George is going to do some hockey media work on Hockey Central and the two of them are going to do some fashion line stuff of some sort. It is a “pop-up party” whatever that is. I guess we’ll find out.

Montreal (MP)
MP is meeting her agent for lunch. They are dining at Auberge St Gabriel which I can tell you is absolutely fabulous. MP wants some English media exposure to expand her brand. MP is off to Toronto to support Tiffany and George and get exposure from the whole fashion thing.

Calgary (Kodette)
Kodette is off to Toronto to support Tiffany and George. Sense a theme here? Before she goes though, she’s getting an autism tattoo for autism awareness. Very cool, and the tat is this very cool autism puzzle piece. Ryder is set to go to regular school next September. Yay!

Vancouver (Noureen)
Noureen and Ryan are taking a maternity class. Though a fancy private one in their home. Noureen is already planning an epidural. She doesn’t like gross fluids and blood and pain. Uh oh here comes the creepy evil baby doll. The birthing instructor should win all the Emmys for dramatic acting. Later all the Millers are in town because Ryan is playing against his brother Drew who plays for the Wings. The whole gang is at their condo, and they reminisce and sing about Michigan State, where all the Millers went. Even your heartless bastard asshole recapper gets choked up when Ryan’s dad passes on the tiny little Bauer (not blurred!) skates that Ryan got from his grandparents, for use by the future little goalie-to-be. Noureen is excited yet still nervous to give birth. Noureen also earns points with your recapper by saying she is excited to have a Canadian baby, despite the trite “eh?” joke.

Later after a commercial, Noureen has had the baby! Wait, what? That was a weird jump there directors. Anyway, Body (Bodie?) is adorable. Oh wait, it’s Bodhi, which apparently means awakening in Sanskrit. Noureen recounts the pain of childbirth. Noureen seems to be good with Bodhi, even refusing to leave him for a big LA acting gig. Puck the dog, however, is jealous as hell. Noureen’s mother is awesome. And we’re done with Noureen. She redeemed herself I think as the series went on. Her narcissism faded (whether by result of pregnancy or editing) and in the end was moderately tolerable.

Toronto (Tiffany, MP, Kodette, Brijet, Emilie, Martine)
George is off to Hockey Central, and Tiffany wants him to make some money dammit! Tiffany says George had job offers outside hockey that would pay more than hockey jobs. I am dying to know what those job offers were. Take one, Princeton-boy! While George goes on TV, Tiffany and all the gals go axe-throwing. Apparently this is a thing? And they appear to be drinking bloody caesars before the axe-throwing. That can’t be wise. They all throw a fiver into a winner’s pot. Kodette apparently has a background in rural customs such as axe-throwing, and shows it when she nails the bullseye of all bullseyes. It is like dead, dead center. They are all not too bad actually. MP takes the pot. Post-match, MP and Tiffany talk about Brandon and MP and the marriage proposal that is still not coming. This is still complicated. MP doesn’t know why it’s a big deal, but Tiffany says it sounds like she’s been “brainwashed” to think it’s not a big deal. There was some comment from MP about “half the money” but I don’t think it sounded as bad as Tiffany did. Oh man this is still all kinds of messy. We need a paragraph smoke break.

After the axe-throwing, the HW hit a bar which appears to be located in a strip mall (classy!) to watch George on TV. And do tequila shots. Maybe MP’s tequila (and the tequila-based drink she washes it down with) is getting to her as she says some stuff (see the quotes section) and throws used lemon wedges. There is some Tiffany-MP friction, but in the end it is all good and they do more shots.

Oh hey Emilie is in Toronto too! Nice and convenient that Jonathon is playing there. This is actually Emilie’s first time in Canada, and she likes the snow because it’s “really pretty”. Wait until you have to shovel four feet of that prettiness off your walk at 6 AM just to get to the bus to get to work. She and Jon go bowling, and talk. About the baby they may have, and about a possible trade. Jon mentions Europe again, and this freaks Emilie out. Again. At least her explanation this week is better than her last explanation. This time she is worried that if Jon goes to Europe, it will show he has given up his dream of playing in the NHL. Then Emilie would have sacrificed (leaving the military) for nothing. Oh FFS then she goes back to her last stupid explanation, and I’m just gonna quote here – “I just would feel uncomfortable as an American living in Europe.” Goddammit Emilie you are way better than that crap. I don’t get it. Europeans are nice! (well not the French) They have amazing socialized health care! Delightful scenery! Rivers! Castles! Mountains! She then does go on to explain she is worried about the language issue. That’s fine; I can understand that, better than this “American/Euro” garbage. But you are smart Emilie, you can learn a new language! Here I will speak French for you – “’stie calice tabernak!”

Tiffany and George prep for the pop-up event that I still don’t know what it is, at a fancy clothing store with purple carpets Tiffany hates. Meanwhile MP is getting interviewed at 640 talk radio. The host is asking about puck bunnies, but MP is handling it well. Tons of Brandon questions, which is kinda pissing MP off. Later, it’s pop-up party time! Some of the Toronto hockey glitterati are there. Brijet talks about Ray’s retirement, nothing too radical. Kodette mention she is looking forward to being with Jason next year, and likes the way Tiffany and George do things together. She wants to do things with Jason, especially supporting the autism community. MP arrives what appears to be Montreal-late. She also praises Tiffany and George. She quickly goes back to talking about Brandon and her career. Hey, Martine shows up! Everyone hates that she is back to her model figure after having a baby. Martine mentions the Leafs won last night, and then says “let’s start winning more.” HAHAHAHAHA. Hey talk about hockey glitterati – Strombo! MP loves the guy, and wants to make a good impression. George (Parros, not Strombo) speaks to the gathered masses and says some wonderful words about Tiffany. All the HW buy and wear clothes and talk about supporting their friends and look like they are enjoying themselves as they take pics. I still don’t know what a pop-up party is. And, scene, show, and season. See you next year!

MIA from the episode: Nicole, Wendy, Jenny. But I must know if Nicole’s new house will have 3 washer-dryers! Ack! Wendy and Jenny, we hardly knew ye.

Cry-o-meter

Zero onions. Kodette almost teared up talking about her future plans for autism awareness and support, but not really.

What is blurred out this week?
In my continuing lawyerly fascination obsession with the legal reasons for blurred stuff on this show, we’re chronicling all the blurriness. And guessing what’s hidden!

This week, we lose our fucking minds. Possibly for good reason.

  • There is blurred artwork on the walls in Tiffany and George’s hotel room. I cannot even begin to fathom why you need to blur non-original prints of artwork.
  • When George is on TV, an NHL team logo is blurred behind him. It is clearly a Calgary Flames logo, made all the more clear by the fact George is talking about Jonas Hiller, who plays for the Flames.
  • While the HW watch TV at the bar, the entire TV screen is blurred out! It is clearly NHL hockey highlights on TV. This is the final clue in a season of clues that the NHL is 100% not cooperating with this show. Stupid NHL! Do you not know a synergistic marketing opportunity when you see one??? Get your head out of your ass and take advantage of a whole new audience potentially for your product. Goddammit the NHL is stupid, and I’m not just talking about the refs. Maybe they will reconsider for next season, considering the success of the show this season.
  • Again at the bar, the label of a Corona bottle is blurred. How do I know it is a Corona bottle? Only because IT IS POSSIBLY THE MOST ICONIC BEER BOTTLE IN THE FUCKING WORLD. OK maybe #2 after Heineken. Not to mention there is a lime in it! Why do you have to blur a logo you stupid lawyers when everyone knows what it is??? AAARRRGGHHHHHHHHHH.
  • /head explodes

Wait, what?
The best quotes of the week.

“I just have very sensitive hands” “Yeah and you might have a very sensitive vagina” Noureen and her birthing class instructor

“Take your shirt off, you’ll look even better. Enough with hockey… who cares about what you’re saying.” “MP says stupid shit all the time… I don’t hold it against her. I was an asshole when I was her age.” MP, and Tiffany in response

“It’s exciting, but it’s also one of those things you just want the day to be over with. Kind of like my wedding.” Oh Tiffany, you are a master of the bon mot, I will miss you.

“I’m kind of pissed at him because he made me teary-eyed and I hate that shit.” Tiffany, re George. You’re the best Tiffany.

Episode Rating

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8 puck bunnies out of 10

A pretty solid ep to end the season. While I knew the season long arc of Noureen having a baby would come to a climax here, it was nice to see it play out. It was good to get one last group get-together. The HW going axe-throwing and drinking was all sorts of fun. Because there was really only the goings-on in Toronto and Vancouver, the episode was focused. Not sure about the way the show just kind of ended, though. Seemed very blunt.

Season rating

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8 puck bunnies out of 10

Well that was just plenty entertaining! I really did not know what to expect, but it turned it AOK. I am not sure the producers / directors ever really figured out what this show was though, whether it was a classic drama-filled reality series or a documentary. I think they were trying to have it both ways, and sometimes that was a problem. But overall it was great because I think the producers lucked out with some story lines – two retiring players, a heart-wrenching yet in the end inspiring autism story, a pregnancy, some minor hockey-NHL yoyo-ing, etc. Sometimes these reality shows don’t have stories (or at least non-manufactured ones), but this one did. The producers also lucked out with some great main characters, especially Tiffany who was bright and hilarious and perceptive and down to Earth and just about perfect. It’s important to note that the HW who I admittedly have liked less, specifically MP and Noureen, provided tons of entertainment and drama, though in the more traditional reality show vein (which admittedly is probably why I liked them less). But this show had a bit of everything, from real actually important drama and stories to more traditional drama-filled stuff like relationship issues. So something for everyone. Well done show.

Until we meet again

Some final notes and thoughts, TMS bullet point-style:

  • 29 the TV Exec advice for HW producers next year: cut the number of wives. The 3 no-shows this week were barely in the show at all during the year, especially Wendy and Jenny. Martine was barely in the show too. You cut your cast down to 6 or 7, you avoid that problem and you end up with a tighter narrative;
  • 29 the TV Exec advice for HW producers next year part 2 – I don’t know if you are planning on bringing back some of these HW, or you are planning a whole new batch. But if some will return, you must know Tiffany carried the show in a lot of ways, and was its center, moral and otherwise. You need her;
  • 29 the TV Exec advice for HW producers next year part 3 – get the NHL on board FFS! A show about HW where not once do you see a HW watching their husband play hockey (except in the minors) is just stupid. This was not a “trashy” reality show where the NHL would want to stay away from it. This was different. The NHL should embrace it. Make it happen;
  • 29 the TV Exec advice for HW producers next year part final – get some U.S. distribution. There are 1000 channels there someone must need some programming. Wrap needs to watch it dammit and I need my writing partner!
  • Big shout out to three HW in particular who engaged me over Twitter and were just nice and sharp and cool as hell – Kodette, Tiffany, and Emilie. Really, those interactions made this exercise worthwhile, so thanks! If we never see you again, I am rooting for the three of you and your families big time;
  • And of course, last but not least, big shout out to the four of you who read this all season and commented. I am all too happy to have a place to snark again and know at least steve is reading. You guys are always the best and I guess we’ll see you next spring! Maybe MP and Brandon will be engaged by then (they won’t be).
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