s1ep5 recap – A Complicated Relationship

Tags

Des Moines is the new Vegas, Go You Fucking Habs Go, Revlon and tequila cures all, You can get baking pans just about anywhere

Oh man it is complicated being the girlfriend of Brandon Prust. Let’s find out why!

Welcome back kids to As the Habs Turn. Well, one Hab and his gf. MP is certainly the center of attention this week, as seen through the eyes of Tiffany, who rocked it as usual. And it all happened in Montreal, which of course is awesome. And even more awesome, FINALLY a Noureen-free episode! Praise the TV gods.

Still with the wife by wife format, though I should have done Tiffany and MP together because they spent the ep together for the most part. Too late now! Let’s do this.

Settings: L.A., Vegas, Montreal, Calgary, Des Moines

Maripier (aka “MP”, girlfriend of Hab Brandon Prust)
MP and Brandon are doing a photo shoot. Oh and Lola the dog is there. MP reveals Brandon is a very fashion-y creative hipster type. She also says he sometimes thinks he’s too cool for school. MP welcomes Tiffany in Montreal, and MP and Tiffany look like fun together. They act like big sister – little sister, though Tiffany says MP is sometimes more like a three year-old. MP cannot cook. She can barely peel a potato. Long strokes MP! They are woefully short on kitchenware. Tiffany and Brandon team up to tease MP. Tifany and Brandon bantering is great. MP and Tiffany go shopping, and they get a bit catty to be honest. They also talk about Brandon and MP’s relationship which seems all kinds of messy. MP is very jealous of women hitting on Brandon. Lots of engagement and marriage talk and it is way too confusing and complicated to recap here. MP wants to have kids and get married 10 years later for a reason I can barely understand. Perhaps because it’s dumb. Later Tiffany and MP go to MP’s restaurant with some other Habs wives, including Jiri Sekac’s girlfriend. Gah, I’m still bitter about that trade. At least Smith-Pelly played great last night. But I digress. Tequila shots and margaritas, giddyup! Tiffany seems a bit annoyed at MP’s cluelessness (she’s not wrong) and feels a little apart from the other Habs wives now. The ep ends on a perfect exasperated look from Tiffany at MP which seems to say “the fuck???”

Tiffany (wife of George Parros, free agent almost-retired enforcer)
Tiffany starts in Vegas, moving in into some sort of cool loft-y kind of apartment. We have a new dog! Well actually it’s a dog Tiffany’s had for a while and has been with Tiffany’s parents but I don’t think we’ve seen. This is one large, kickass dog with the odd name of Ramis. Harold Ramis? (updated to add: I was right!) Anyway, this looks like an enforcer-dog, if you will. Tiffany is planning to visit Montreal to visit MP. George and Brandon and Tiffany and MP all miss each other. Awww. In Vegas Tiffany talks about her kids who were born premature. 27 weeks! After her water broke at 24. Holy crap. Miracle they survived, but they are doing well. The kids are adorable as they look at the new place with the lovable yet gruff Ramis towering over them. George is officially announcing his retirement any day now.

Nicole (wife of Kings’ captain Dustin Brown)
Nicole is off to play in a Vegas hockey tournament and Dustin will coach her. Nicole likes her women hockey friends. Dustin is not “coaching” in any way. He’s taking photos with fans. Dustin only goes over to the bench to tell Nicole she did something wrong. Her team loses 6-2. It’s ok, they drown their sorrows in beer.

Kodette (wife of Anaheim Ducks/Norfolk goalie Jason LaBarbera)
The Ducks are playing the Flames, so Jason is in town. It’s been a while since they’ve seen each other. Kodette has two close friends whose brother just died suddenly. And Ryder (her autistic son) doesn’t react well to crying, so she has to keep it together. And she wants to talk to Jason about it, but Jason doesn’t want to talk about it. How much more can this woman deal with? Kodette has surreptitiously gotten a cat in Jason’s absence. Jason hates cats. Kodette lies about the cat. This won’t end well. Even with Jason home, they are not getting any alone time together. Ryder saying goodbye to his dad is heartbreaking.

Emilie (wife of Minnesota / Des Moines Wild defenseman Jonathon Blum)
They just got an apartment in Des Moines. A dream come true! Lots of fun insider hockey talk about game day routine. They work with a charity called Defending the Blue Line that helps military families do hockey stuff, like getting to games and getting equipment so the kids can play. Emilie is in on the pre-game donating of the oversized novelty check. As usual, Emilie is just all sorts of great. Iowa has been sucking lately, but they win this one. Emilie and Jon talk hockey over Scrabble. I am a Scrabble veteran, and I don’t think “kix” is a valid word. Neither is “holt”. Jon considers playing in Europe, but Emilie hates that idea, and might not even go, because she wouldn’t be comfortable in Europe “as an American”. That was one bizarre comment. Oh Emilie, you can make it anywhere.

Not appearing in the ep:
– Noureen (wife of Canuck goalie Ryan Miller). Did I mention that yet?
– Wendy (wife of Phoenix Coyotes coach Dave Tippett)
– Brijet (wife of Ray Whitney, 23-year NHL vet and free agent)
– Jenny (wife of Ben Scrivens, Oilers goalie). I seriously cannot even remember her being on the show anymore
– Martine (fiancée of Leafs goalie Jonathan Bernier)

Cry-o-meter

2 onions out of 10

• Kodette cries talking about her friends’ dead brother
• Tiffany cries when talking about her premature kids, though she tries to hold on because she is tough as hell

What is blurred out this week?
In my continuing lawyerly fascination obsession with the legal reasons for blurred stuff on this show, we’re chronicling all the blurriness. And guessing what’s hidden!

• One of Nicole’s kids has a blurred T-shirt. They lawyers are going after little kids! No idea what it could be.
• George Parros carries grocery bags. The logos on the bags are blurred. C’mon lawyers, how much trouble would have it been to clear those logos? Yeesh.
• The tin foil box in MP’s kitchen is blurred. Tin foil FFS! It’s Alcan tin foil, I have the same one in my kitchen. Me and Brandon Prust use the same tin foil!
• Jonathon and Easton have a table top hockey game, and clearly an NHL logo is blurred out.

Wait, what?
The best quotes of the week.

“I do all the wife-y stuff so I make up for it. Cook, clean, blow jobs, check… It’s like, ‘you got five minutes?’” – Tiffany

“He’s so annoying. Asshole.” – Nicole, re Dustin only “coaching” by telling her what she did wrong

“Princess wants his brunch, so we’re going to make brunch for princess” – MP, re Brandon

“My husband went to Princeton. No offense to Brandon, but let’s see how everything’s going in 10 years.” – Tiffany

Episode Rating

8 puck bunnies out of ten

Another strong episode. As mentioned up top, being in Montreal probably influenced the grade for me. Tiffany’s awesomeness and casual blow job mentions and her continuing to be the most self-aware person on the show helps a lot. Though you need a winter jacket in Montreal Tiffany! You’re smarter than that. I could live without some of MP’s dramatics, but you need some drama form somewhere. Also plenty of solid Emilie and heartbreaking Kodette. And did I mention no Noureen? That added one or two puck bunny rankings right there.