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iowa wild

Yoyo-ma HW’ers! Join me for the glitz ‘n glamour that is Des Moines after the jump…

So we’re really settling in to the season of HW now. We’ve met everyone, the story lines have been laid out for us and we know pretty much where we’re going. And where we’re going is Iowa.

OK this recap format is obviously set in stone now. Our settings this week are L.A., Toronto, and Vegas. Glamour! Minnesota and Iowa! Des Moines! Serious glamour!

Emilie (wife of Wild defenseman Jonathon Blum)
And we’re in Minneapolis! Uh oh, not for long. Jonathon’s just been demoted to Iowa. Minnesota to Iowa, yegads. If you thought being a hockey player or hockey wife was glamourous, watch this couple. Their dogs are adorable, so that’s something. AND they’re rescue dogs! Good for you. They have to drive in the middle of the night from Minny to Iowa to get Jon to practice on time. Then Emilie moves into a hotel room alone. This seems like a pretty sad life. Well at least there are those two adorable dogs. She goes to Jon’s Iowa Wild game with some girlfriends of other Iowa players. She likes them better than NHL wives because they judge less and there are no money differences. They don’t bitch about purses like some rich hockey wives Emilie knows. Iowa loses 5-1 and Jon is in a slump. Emilie does her best to be supportive. Emilie is awesome.

Martine (fiancée of Leafs goalie Jonathan Bernier)
She got a modeling job, but she is worried because she still needs to lose 10 pounds. The job seems to be very classy clothes modeling and not lingerie. She looks great though, must have lost those 10 pounds, thanks to her heavily-tattooed trainer.

Noureen (wife of Canuck goalie Ryan Miller)
She is moving to Vancouver! But her acting career is in LA! But she’s pregnant! But wants to be in every scene! Life is tough. At least Tiffany is cooking dinner for her. But STAY THE FUCK OUT OF TIFFANY’S KITCHEN. Noureen is a bit worried about having a boy as she comes from a family of 3 girls. Ryan comes to LA as the Canucks are playing the Kings. At least they can go to an ultrasound together. Noureen gives Ryan a nice gift, but only because she bought gifts for herself, from him. Noureen has Pregnancy Brain and can’t find or remember anything. Ryan always seems to cover for her though. At the ultrasound, everything is normal, and they are joyful.

Tiffany (wife of George Parros, free agent enforcer)
George’s mustache is the star here. Well not for long. All the hirsute men at Violent Gentlemen, George’s clothing company, are shaving their facial hair for Movember to raise $ for prostate cancer. I swear I do not recognize him! They are moving to Vegas, baby! The lease is up on their place and Vegas is cheaper. George is wearing a t-shirt with a blurred logo. This whole blurred-logo thing is really driving me crazy with legal conspiracy theories. I hate being a lawyer sometimes. Tiffany goes to Vegas to look for houses. She is excited to get a fresh start with a new social circle in Vegas because other hockey wives (not necessarily the Hockey Wives) and other friends can be bitchy when a hockey player is not playing, or is lying unconscious on the ice. Yeesh, some friends. Anyway, finding a house is tougher than it seems in Vegas, baby.

Brijet (wife of Ray Whitney, 23-year NHL vet and free agent)
Her disembodied voice shows up via iPhone offering some comfort to Emilie.

Nicole (wife of Kings’ captain Dustin Brown)
Her kids are busy! Hockey to soccer, you gotta change at the rink if necessary. Nicole takes self-defense lessons with other L.A. Kings wives. One of the other King wives is worried because anyone with an internet connection can know when a player is out of town. She’s got a point there. They take turns kicking and hitting the instructor in the nuts. Later it’s Halloween, but it’s the first time Dustin isn’t trick or treating with the kids. Nicole wants to raise polite, well-adjusted, non-spoiled, non-entitled kids. Good for her. And it ain’t easy putting four sugar-rushed kids to bed, and she does well. Nicole misses Dustin, but says people say she can’t complain because her husband makes millions of dollars. She says she has the same problems as anyone else. Both camps are kind of right. Nicole says she would give it all up if Dustin could just have a normal 9 to 5 job. Rich people always say that.

Not appearing in the ep:
– Kodette (wife of Anaheim Ducks/Norfolk goalie Jason LaBarbera)
– Jenny (wife of Ben Scrivens, Oilers goalie)
– Wendy (wife of Phoenix Coyotes coach Dave Tippett). I’m worried we’re never really going to get to know her.
– Maripier (aka “MP”, girlfriend of Hab Brandon Prust)

Random thoughts in old school TMS-style bullet points that didn’t fit in the above

  • I’d like to use this space this week to give a shout-out to Kodette, who thanks to the magic that is Twitter actually read my recap last week! And she was absolutely the sweetest person as she so very kindly told me I repeatedly called her son Ryder by the wrong name (Tyler). In my defense those are pretty close. And I couldn’t see to type through all my weeping so there were bound to be errors. But really I have no defense, and I was embarrassed as hell. I am a professional (not) TV recapper! But she was a delight, as you can see in our conversation. Kodette is the best. Please support autism awareness, and I’m sorry I didn’t get this published yesterday when it was Autism Awareness Day.


the onionthe onion

2 onions (out of 10), because Emilie is a rock and doesn’t cry in the ep even when she has the right to

  • Noureen wipes away tears talking about being alone while she’s pregnant. No snark, that’s legitimate.
  • Noureen cries tears of joy when talking about being married to Ryan and carrying his baby. Awwww.

Wait, what?
The best quotes of the week.

“Whatever my animal is in the Chinese calendar, does not do well with change” – Noureen

“They call this the Amsterdam Room” – Mark the Vegas real estate agent, re a room with an all-window wall

Episode rating

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5 puck bunnies out of 10

This was the first episode that felt a bit meh to me. Emilie’s story was excellent, but otherwise not much really happened. We have been given an Amsterdam Room window into these lives and sometimes, well, everyday life can be dull. You can understand why reality TV producers have to manufacture drama after an episode like this. I have praised HW in the past because it does not do that, and it’s refreshing. But you need some drama from somewhere. Though maybe this is the time where you suffer from having a male recapper, who may not be able to truly understand the drama of work-mom balance or taking care of 4 kids and the like. Another issue was there was a lack of interaction between the wives this week, just a quick Noureen-Tiffany dinner and a quick iPhone call. I realize you can’t force it because most of them are in different cities, but it seemed really noticeable and the ep suffered for it.