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I do not even know where to start. I’ll start by saying hello! Welcome back-ish to “wrap and 29 blog a TV show”. This time around have we found the perfect show goddammit. Let’s take a look at episode 1 after the jump.

I will be honest here. I have no goddamn idea how to recap / review this show. It’s all over the place (in a good way!) and there are narratives, but it’s a documentary. Sorta kinda. Reality documentary? Who the fuck knows. I am not sure a “plot recap” linear style will work. We’ll come up with a formula eventually, but I think for now we’ll go couple by couple (focusing on the WAGs) and make some comments about what happened. This will also be good for a first recap, as we all get to know the cast. You can check out the cast here to follow along until we all know who’s who.

I guess I should also set the scene? Most of the show takes place in the various parts of L.A. that aren’t Watts or South Central (Hollywood, Manhattan Beach, etc.). One couple is in Montreal. Go You Fucking Habs Go. Another couple is in Scottsdale, AZ. This ep takes place before the season (the current one) starts.

Noureen (wife of Canuck goalie Ryan Miller)

She thinks she is the star of the show, or at least she wants to be. She’s not. She’s an actress, and seems as vapid as that would entail. She’s an actress on Charlie Sheen’s Anger Management. Jesus that’s worse than just “actress”. She’s four months pregnant. She poses in Playboy (not nude). They have a dog named Puck because he’s small and black. The cleverness is off the charts with this woman. She is seriously scared of moving to Vancouver because of the rain, because as she says “my hair is a big part of my beauty”. On the less vapid side, her chicken curry looks delicious. Ryan really doesn’t do much in this ep.

Tiffany (wife of George Parros, free agent enforcer)

I really like this woman, even if she puts ice in her red wine and is named Tiffany. She is absolutely gorgeous and in the fashion industry, but it seems like she has a serious and intelligent head on her shoulders. She recognizes she and George actually have to work the rest of their lives. Her 3 year-old twins are SQUEEEEEE! George is obviously anxious that he has no job. The goon is a dying breed in the NHL, and everyone seems to know it. She meets with two other unemployed goon wives. She’s friends with Noureen, and the four of them get together where Tiffany brings clothes and they talk about Noureen’s breasts, and Noureen makes a faux pas considering George has no job.

Maripier (aka “MP”, girlfriend of Hab Brandon Prust)

She hosts a morning TV show in Montreal called “Menage à Trois”. She reveals to Brandon on the show that day they talked about anal sex. In the morning! Québec French TV is the best. Also has a Revlon contract and her own line of booze. Worried Brendan will get traded to the USA where she won’t be able to work. Brendan is the cook in the family, and their small black dog is named Lola. My apartment is bigger than theirs. She wants to sleep with Guy Lafleur, and Brendan wouldn’t even mind. They go to opening night of the season together, and MP hosts the red carpet special, where she flirts with none other than Guy Lafleur. MP and Brandon have a complicated romantic history that I do not understand in the least, something about a breakup when he went home in the off-season. But they own a restaurant together, so you know they will last.

Brijet (wife of Ray Whitney, 23-year NHL vet and free agent)

Here’s the center of the show. She’s clearly in the “matriarch” role, and it suits her. She runs a website devoted to helping hockey wives and families. She and Ray were friends in high school in Saskatchewan. Even in Arizona, they seem very Canadian. I mean that as a compliment. They even celebrate Canadian thanksgiving, in October where it belongs.

Nicole (wife of Kings captain Dustin Brown)

She seems maybe a bit bland at the outset? Played hockey in college. She’s very busy taking care of 4 kids, or as she says 5 because Dustin is child-like. She explains Dustin’s giant contract (8 years, $64 mill) which seems a bit odd. It’s comedy gold however when Dustin leaves the house only to have to come back for his hockey equipment. She hosts the big finale of the ep, a dinner party with all the other wives (who are not in Montreal) to celebrate the upcoming season and say goodbye if wives go their separate ways. At the party, a pregnant Noureen and her breasts drinks alcohol that Nicole gives her by accident. Whoopsie!

Emilie (wife of Wild defenseman Jonathon Blum)

Emilie is ex-military, and even though she looks like a tiny blond woman, she’ll kill ya as soon as look at ya. Jonathon goes back and forth from Minnesota to the Iowa farm club, which is tough. But Brijet is there (on a golf course for some reason) to let Emilie know she knows how she feels and everything will be alright. It’s not alright though, as Jonathon gets sent to the minors when the season starts.

Jenny (wife of Ben Scrivens, Oilers goalie)

She is barely in the ep; she makes a brief appearance at the dinner party.

Old school TMS-style bullet points of stuff that didn’t fit in the above

  • If you look at the cast list I linked to earlier, we still have three wives to meet. Hope it’s not too many. Though one of the missing ones is a lingerie model, so there’s that.
  • What’s up with the spelling of names? Maripier should be Marie-Pierre. Emilie is a French spelling, and she’s not French. And Brijet? The fuck?
  • SPOILER ALERT SECTION – The events of this show happened 6 months ago so read no further if you don’t want to know that…. both Ray Whitney and George Parros retired, and Noureen and Ryan just had a baby boy.

Cry-o-meter

As this is a reality show on the W network, you can bet there will be crying! So each week we’ll give the crying an onion rating out of, uh, ten maybe? And recap the tears.

the onionthe onionthe onionthe onion

  • Tiffany gets choked up as she discussed George getting knocked unconscious during a fight last season
  • MP tears up when she recounts her and Brandon’s complicated romantic past
  • Emilie has a good (and very valid) cry as she tells Brijet that Jonathon was sent to the minors

Wait, what?
The best quotes of the week

“White people make very bland food” – Noureen, who is of Indian descent and says she’s “dark skinned”. Look at the banner pic. That look dark to you?

“I don’t think you can call me superficial, but I definitely married George for his looks” – Tiffany

“When I met Brandon my English was terrible. But you know, the first year you pretty much do one thing and that… you don’t need to speak” – MP

“If Brandon cheated on me, I would cut his balls off, cook them, and make him eat them” – MP

“103. I want to kill myself. Do you understand what this is doing to me?” “You’re going to make people hate you. Stop talking and save yourself.” Noureen and Tiffany, about Noureen’s pregnant weight “gain”.

Episode rating

puck bunny iconpuck bunny iconpuck bunny iconpuck bunny iconpuck bunny iconpuck bunny iconpuck bunny iconpuck bunny icon

8 puck bunnies out of 10

(p.s. I know the term “puck bunny” has a checkered and controversial past, and I apologize if it offends. It does seem à propos here though.)

This show is a hell of a lot of fun, and fascinating in so many ways. Unlike a reality show like, say, Real Housewives, what’s good about this show is that there is really no drama manufactured by the producers. The drama comes from actual situations, real-life stuff like financial insecurity arising from being married to an unemployed goon. But it’s still full of the “fun” stuff that comes with a reality show like this. And it’s hockey! What could be better! We’ll have to see how the season plays out, but for now I am hella entertained. And hooked.

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